Dave and I set about to partner with other bloggers to get a running dialogue about the Western Conference finals. To paraphrase the Chinese Curse, be careful what you wish for. We crossed paths with a couple degenerates from Surly and Scribe’s Stanley Cup Champion L.A. Kings Hockey News, Kelsey Eyes and Surly Jacob.
What started on Twitter carried over to our blog. It reads like a David Mamet play. The love was instant, in that wonderfully emotionally detached kind of way that all folks from Los Angeles foster. Kelsey swings it around like she’s got a pair and Surly drops bombs like he sits on Kelsey’s unused lady parts.
Kelsey, you and Dave have started the smack talk via Twitter, I see. Cool, cool. We’d love to get the viewpoint of Kings’ fans on our site. Hopefully we can translate the mood of the Windy City to yours.
A little sports background from me: I was a Whaler fan [still am, really] going to high school in Connecticut. By the time I’d moved to Chicago in the mid-90s, I had seasons reservations with the Blackhawks. The only time I’ve used a hotel safe was for my tickets.
I’ve seen this town ignore the Bears over hockey (thanks, Rashaan Salaam). I’ve also found it cheaper to buy a seat at the United Center, drink beers from the bored concessionaires and talk to friends than going to the local tavern. It seems there is no middle ground with the sport; all in or get the fuck out.
I grew up in Ontario, Canada, playing hockey as a kid and watching Kings VHS tapes. I actually moved to LA to go to college to be near my hockey team. Kings fans are awesome because they are true die hands. We waited a long freaking time to get the Cup and now that we have it we feel like we need to chirp and yell and scream in Staples to protect it. People call us arrogant now but I think they mean we changed from sad apathetic fans with a small glimmer of hope to rabid crazy Stanley Cup junkies. We would do anything to win it again.
Ontario and a Kings fan? I’ll type slower.
Dave is our goalie expert. He’s also a Communist. Call him Rusky from here on out. He’ll be making all the Quick jokes. He also hates Crawford, so he’ll steal your thunder there.
He’s also stalking Jeff Goldblum. He’s often seen galavanting around town in assless chaps, asking folks if they’ve seen Herr Goldblum. He claims their safeword is Orangutan.
Yeah, The Moose feeds on itself sometimes.
Yes please type slower and with Canadian spelling.
Yikes well, I usually don’t associate myself with tendies, because they’ve got that ax murderer thing going on. So if you could slide my messages into his padded cell I would be much obliged. The only thing a Canadian hates more than someone who is impolite is a Rusky.
Sweetheart, Prince’s Purple Rain couldn’t steal my thunder.
An article on Vice said Jeff Goldblum is now a six foot pianist. So maybe that will aid in his quest to find him. Also Orangutan is a terrible safe word. It has to be something you can get out quick in the event of pain. Mine is Coach Quenneville. But usually he’s pretty harmless, it only lasts a minute and then he rolls over and falls asleep. Kind of like Bolland’s game.
Sadly, I cannot deny any of Billy’s ridiculous assertions. However, since he insists on throwing Rusky under the proverbial Greyhound, let’s just say, Kelsey, you have nothing to fear from ol’ Billy. He loves him some Asian tranny action, and you do not appear either Asian or tranny-like.
Well, with the Blackhawks reaching the Western Conference finals, it’s time to cast an eye on Los Angeles and what the next opponent brings to bear. The Moose has been lucky enough *couch*being polite*cough* to find some Kings fans who blog west coast hockey, Surly and Scribe’s Stanley Cup Champion L.A. Kings Hockey News. Kelsey may even help to answer the burning questions of the day, i.e. what’s it take to beat Jonathan Quick, when will Jarret Stoll be cleared to play and, being an actress and dancer in El Eh, if Kings pins each count as a piece of flair or does TGIFridays consider them collectively as one?
Reports are flying like a Dustin Brown elbow that the captain is injured and wouldn’t be playing if this was the regular season. There are also rumors about Anze Kopitar’s knee and Kyle Clifford. This series may be shorter than normal if these guys can’t perform. Hey, you can’t hit what you can’t catch.
Kelsey, we’d also like to clarify that Rusky (and most Hawk fans) has no problem with Kings fans, although the next two weeks will test the goodwill. We can all agree that it sure is great to see the Canucks working on their golf game.
Jonathan Quick is a Jedi, Ninja and Superhero all rolled into one, a figure even Chuck Norris cowers in front of. We get that. What can the Hawks do to get the puck past him beside sell their soul to the Devil and spend the rest of their days being eternally damned?
Fire away with your questions on the Hawks.
First of all, I imagine it would take Jedi like reflexes to best Jonathan Quick. So I hope you guys have moved up enough AHL kids in your regular season and trained them like the Karate Kid. Quick is as faultless as a Disney child actor slash singer before they have their first hit of crack.
Actually TGIFridays gives me time off to go to the Kings games so it works out pretty well and banging your Dad keeps me in the lifestyle to which I’ve grown accustomed.
As for Stolli, he is being tended to by the lovely Doctor Erin Andrews and is unlikely to return. Richards and Carter have improved their face offs so I dare say although we miss him, he is as necessary as that one Jackson 5 guy who isn’t Michael.
As for injuries to Cliffy and Kopi, they are just fine. The only knees you need to be concerned with are the ones Kaner and Toews will be putting pressure on when getting pounded from behind by the Kings.
The simple answer to that is you can’t. San Jose tried the tackle Quick approach in our series and it failed miserably so you’re welcome to try that as well. I suppose you can attempt to catch him with poor stick handling. Or Kaner’s deke. You got me. My own tendy continues to amaze me every game.
A question on the top of my mind is when is the illustrious Patrick Kane going to join us in the playoffs? He seems more concerned with flirtatious moves and shooting late than scoring. When does his audition for America’s Dance Crew end and his NHL career begin?
A few things:
Wow, poor Kaner getting no love. The thing about Pattycakes is that he comes up big in the biggest games…and on his trips to Madison, Wisconsin. Will be interesting to see if the Kings can blanket him without a defensive presence like Datsyuk or Zetterberg on their bench. If the Kings can’t, expect Kaner to score at will, just like he will with Kings’ puckbunnies at Hyde.
Dad smack? Awesome.
But can Quickie’s back keep holding up? I heard earlier in the year that he couldn’t even sit on plane flights…he had to lie on the floor just to get comfortable.
Speaking of Disney actors, I skate with Ross Lynch from R5 and Austin & Ally fame. He’s currently looking for a girlfriend after a big tour so let me know if you are looking for a dating hookup. You too Kelsey.
I love to name-drop.
What’s the over/under on how many penalties Greene the Queen gets in this series? He puts the cave in caveman.
No defensive presence like Datsyuk or Zetterberg? I had no idea Blackhawk fans suffered from East Coast myopia. Anze Kopitar is every bit the defensive player that either of Detroit’s golfers are. Not to mention Mike Richards and the highly underrated defensive game of Jeff Carter, who can also match Kane stride for stride. But what “Pattycakes” needs to worry about most is Matt Greene. While Kane has enough speed to blow past Greene, there is a Chicago powerplay on the horizon where Kane decides to get a little too cute in front of the net and at that point, he can only hope his infantile spine can withstand the shock it will receive when Greene The Destroyer treats the ice like an opposing wrestler and Kane like the chair he smacks it with.
That explains dad’s hip replacement. Good to know. And its nice that you take time away from your communal living arrangement with Rainbow, the girl who fills your pillows with her hair because she never forgot that magical night in college and Ignatius, your step-brother from your mom’s failed second marriage with whom you have an on-again, off-again tryst even though he pretends to be vegan but sneaks bacon at brunch.
Where the Hell were we?
Oh, yeah, your hockey analysis. Normally I have to watch re-runs of Two and a Half Men to get such insight. Well, that and read Vancouver Canuck message boards. Nice work there.
Look for Brent Seabrook and Duncan Keith to shutdown whomever is left on that roster that can shoot a puck. Hjammer can be hit-or-miss whereas Oduya is mostly miss. Leddy does a nice job of getting the puck off the ground, so expect some problems for Quick on the power play because… I’m sorry. Even you probably know who Jamie Kompon is.
Oh no, Billy. We are going to get slaughtered for invoking the name of Jamie Kompon…
The Hawks are lucky to have enough creative talent on the roster to offset the inertia Kompon brings to a powerplay. But the Kings and Hawks are very different teams. While the Kings struggled to score for years, most of them under Kompon, they finally found a way to break through. Inversely, the Hawks have been a high powered offensive team for a while now. You know that point on a roller coaster just as you are about to make it to the top? All the excitement that builds, you’ve been rising this whole time, just waiting to get over the crest and feel the wind breeze by your flapping cheeks as you reach terminal velocity on the other side. but then, just before that moment, you realize that you’re on a roller coaster that hasn’t had a proper maintenance in 3 years and will collapse as you descend, sending you to your skid mark of a death? We all know that moment. For the Hawks, hiring Jamie Kompon was that moment.